My Understanding of GOODFELLAS Is Inarguable Proof That I Am a Man

Getting emergency healthcare as a trans person is an impossible predicament. Even at hospitals where they ask the right questions, policy falls away in a life-or-death situation. This is what I learned when an acute respiratory infection gave me symptoms that rush you past the pronouns-friendly receptionist and into an X-ray room, where I was asked how I would cover my “womanly attributes” during the procedure. Even though I’d been clear about my gender at check-in, the tech had missed the memo.

And no, I did not explain that I’m a nonbinary trans man when I walked into the room. In my defense? I couldn’t breathe. 

He apologized profusely, so we’re good. It’s still frustrating to me when people’s guesses are prioritized over my own knowledge of my body. I also don’t think taking my shirt off would have revealed much femininity. Testosterone has done its job, and nudity just makes that more apparent. But most of us already know that there is no “feminine” trait that does not appear on “masculine” bodies, and vice versa. That is why we must look wider for a way to signal manhood to others.

We must look to GOODFELLAS.

In 2015, Kyle Smith wrote an unwieldy chunk of clickbait that accidentally proposed a simple but radical social reorganization of gender. A lot of people made fun of him, and rightly so, but what if he's correct? Instead of relying on anatomy, we can acknowledge gender as a social construct, and embrace its artificiality by reducing maleness to a simple question: do you understand the movie GOODFELLAS or not?

According to Kyle, GOODFELLAS is an ideal film to test one’s gender because it is made “for boys,” and women cannot understand the complexities of a male power fantasy. This is obviously true, as there has never been a story about a masculine person that other genders are able to comprehend without serious injury. I remember trying to watch MAGIC MIKE XXL at a bachelorette party. We only made it twenty minutes into the film before the bridal party started vomiting fluorescent blood. If only I’d been aware of the GOODFELLAS theory, I would have realized why I survived.

Better late than never. I obtained a copy of GOODFELLAS, settled in with a seltzer, and prepared myself to answer the question of my own manhood.

Two-and-a-half-hours later, I was a changed man. Specifically, I was transformed into a biological man by the undeniable movie magic of Mr. Martin Scorsese. I always thought THE KING OF COMEDY was my favorite Scorsese, but this one gave me a free sex change, so I’m gonna update my roster.

Kyle is right about one thing: GOODFELLAS slaps. Watching it as an adult with an understanding of cinema helped me realize what an intricate accomplishment it is. I think I liked it because it’s a very gay movie about wanting to fuck somebody you envy until you accidentally get all of your friends killed. You’re gonna tell me that the way Henry moons after Jimmy isn’t a crush? Not to mention Jimmy is the only person Henry misses in jail, and he compares his wife to Elizabeth Taylor which…if you’ve ever dated a gay dude, you know?

Unfortunately for Kyle’s theory, while he was right about GOODFELLAS being awesome, he was wrong about everything else. For example, Kyle believes that women find themselves “irrelevant” to the narrative, but the way various women's lives are ruined by their attraction to hyper-macho excess is a theme Scorsese thoroughly explores. Consider the scenes where Tommy’s mother glows over her “made man” shortly before he’s whacked, or the throughline of Henry’s babysitter becoming a drug mule. If anything, Scorsese’s text is a feminist one because his toxic masculinity is blind to gender. Nobody is spared. 

Or consider Kyle’s contention that GOODFELLAS is a movie about dudes who are “devoted above all to their brothers.” It’s a cute idea, but it’s somewhat undermined by the fact that the second half of the film revolves around Jimmy murdering nearly every single dude he knows. I might feel differently about a film critic missing this detail if it was not the subject of one of the most famous scenes in movie history. 

(A scene that takes place in a movie he was paid to write about by a national publication, a movie he claims his grasp of is an innate facet of his gender. How could I give his theory credence when his understanding of GOODFELLAS appeared no deeper than the logic required to choose a poster for a dorm room?)

Then I realized that Kyle is demonstrating the radical beauty of his theory. It doesn’t matter if you’re a film critic or someone with a worrying low level of media literacy and non-existent critical thinking skills. As long as you try to understand Goodfellas, that’s enough to establish manhood. Kyle was even generous enough to share his own tentative attempts to parse the film, and was very honest about his feelings too! We are so proud of Kyle.

But let’s not lose sight of the dream. We now have a simple, safe, and extremely effective way to change one’s gender in an afternoon. Forget GoFundMes or selling butt pics; this gender-affirming care is free to anyone who can access a public library or torrent site. 

And best of all, nobody can argue with it. Next time I'm misgendered by an X-ray tech, I will simply hand him a laminated card that says “GOODFELLAS is a 1990 true crime drama directed by Martin Scorsese about a worthless coward whose toxic masculinity destroyed his family and killed dozens of people for very stupid reasons. And because I know that, I am a man.”